I hesitate to write this post because I don't normally share my feelings on this blog, but I feel like I just want everyone to know what is going on so they can understand why I get snappy or try to change the subject when they start talking about how EVERYONE I know is pregnant.
A couple weeks from now will mark a year since Jared and I have started trying to have a baby. That first month after getting off birth control was so exciting. I started a "baby box" with random baby things I find on sale or would want to have when I have a baby. (Like blankets, bottles, baby thermometers, etc.) Then, month after month of no period but negative pregnancy tests and frustration, I started to wonder what was wrong with me. It didn't take more than a month or two for any of my sisters or my mom to get pregnant. Why am I such a freak? So in June, I finally called my doctor, who after blood tests and ultrasounds, diagnosed me with polycystic ovary syndrome. He started me on Glucophage (also for diabetic patients), which was supposed to stimulate ovulation, and also scheduled an appointment with a fertility specialist ob. I had to schedule an appointment with her 3 months in advance. So in September, after no success with the glucophage, the fertility specialist started me on Femara (also for breast cancer patients) (while continuing on the Glucophage because they work "synergistically") which is also supposed to stimulate ovulation, which up to this point I still haven't done at all. She gave me a 3 month supply and set up another appointment after 3 months. In December, at my next appointment, she just increased my dose of Femara, and said if I'm not pregnant by March, I will have to start real fertility drugs. Over the Christmas holiday, the time which is supposed to be centered around Christ and loving others, I found myself becoming very bitter. Bitter at everyone who is currently pregnant and/or who already has kids. Bitter at the 16 year old girls who try having sex once and become pregnant and don't even want the baby. Bitter at the teenage patient I had a few months ago who has had 4 abortions and finally decided to put in an IUD after having a full-term baby. Bitterness is not fun, nor is it healthy. I knew I needed to change my attitude. Over the past few weeks I feel like I've been blessed with the comfort that I am loved and that everything will work out the way Heavenly Father has planned for me. I don't know what He has in store for me in the future as far as kids go, but I am putting my trust in Him that He knows what is best for me at this time in my life. I know that He loves me and will bless me in my life if I have faith and strive to be a better person. I'm so grateful that Jared and I have this time in our lives to still be spontaneous (ie: this Valentine's day we are going to a Red Wings game and staying in a fancy hotel that night in Detroit) and have time to grow stronger together as a couple. I know that we will be blessed as long as we strive to do our best in following the commandments of the Lord. I have a lot to work on...
10 comments:
oh steph, i'm so sorry. i know how you feel. i know the ups and downs, the excitement and heart breaking discouragement when you go month after month without a baby. it's hard not to be bitter when you want something SO much and you watch everyone else have it and take it for granted. if you ever need to chat, i'm here to listen.
Stephanie, I am so glad you wrote about this. Though I have not dealt with the pain of not getting pregnant I know the pain of not having little ones in the home and feeling so discouraged. It is something we hope for. My dad tells me always that it is such a righteous desire and that those who continue to do what is right and accept the Lords will, they will be blessed! Maybe we will not get to hear the piter patter of little feet on this earth, maybe we will. But I know without a doubt we will be blessed with many in the eternities! Love you cute girl, please let me know if there is anything I can do for you, I know we live far from each other, but we can still chat on the phone, facebook, or even here!
Steph, I think of you all the time. I am so glad you shared this. I think it is so good for others who struggle with infertility to know they are not alone. You have every right to be angry it hasn't happened to you. I know I was when I struggled getting pregnant. I know it is so hard not to "think" about it but just continue enjoying life and doing what your doing. I know that I have never felt guilty about going to hawaii or mexico or disney world since I've been married because I have struggled getting pregnant. So you do everything you can to enjoy this time with your hubby. I think that is the only thing that has given me any happiness during this trying time is traveling and enjoying not having kids. I also find myself bragging about not having kids (even though i'd rather have kids) because we can go to the movies whenever we want, do last minute things all the time! But when we do have babies you and I will enjoy it so much more than we could ever imagine! Love ya and praying for you!
That totally bites. I am so sorry. It just goes to show that you never know what people are dealing with. I will send you some happy good vibes from Utah. I will also keep my fingers crossed for you that things will work out.
I agree with you- it isn't fair. I pray for you everyday. I love you Steph.
Steph, I'm glad you wrote this post! I totally agree in that life definitely isn't fair. I can't say I know exactly how you feel because we haven't been actively trying to have a baby. I do know what it's like to see all your friends get pregnant and the emotions that come with that though. We'll keep you and Jared in our prayers!! Love and miss you guys!
My first pregnancy was trumped by my 17 year old niece getting pregnant too. Guess who had her baby and who didn't? We only dealt with infertility for a little over a year, but reading your post reminded me of that time, brief as it was. It's full on sucky.
You are just the best, you know that? I have never seen you so much as frown in public. I hope you guys find contentment in this phase of trying. And maybe our ward can cut back on the freaking baby-shower-a-week bit. Ha.
I love you Steph!
I can totally empathize. It took us 7 years, 2 miscarriages and three rounds of IVF, but I just had beautiful twin boys 8.5 weeks ago. It is hard to be patient and hard to overcome the disappointment month after month and year after year. I honestly feel that all the work I had to do to get them here makes me appreciate them so much more.
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